How to Bed Art Majors Using Only Your Knowledge of Video Games

If you’re in college, you are most likely surrounded by attractive members of the opposite sex right now. If you’re reading this website, you are most likely a nerd and they want nothing to do with you. See, college is the time for attractive people to major in easy non-subjects – predominantly in the arts - that make them sound deep and unapproachable. So, how do you bed this seemingly impossible lay, using only subjects familiar to you, the internet frequenter? Well, start with video games. That’s right! Video games can appeal to the art crowd as well…you just have to know how to frame it.

The Three R’s Test

See, there’s an easy system for determining the viability of art crowd conversation material, and it’s called the “Three R’s Test:” You have to ask yourself, when broaching a new subject, is it about Rape, Retards, or Regret?

If it involves all three, it’s definitely art. Nothing encompasses Rape, Retards and Regrets simultaneously that is not art scene gold. If it’s only about one of the three, check carefully: It could be comedy. Comedy is never art, and laughter is irrelevant. If it involves two out of three, you probably have a suitable subject on your hands. Check to see if it’s in a foreign language - that’s a good first sign, and cause for further investigation. Watch for other indicators: Are there naked men crying? Can you hear flutes? Has anybody spoken backwards? Are there midgets? Are they sad? Is there excessive nudity? Is it intensely unappealing? Any of these aspects may indicate a safe topic of conversation.

That’s not just naked - that’s art naked.

If you stick within these guidelines, it’s perfectly acceptable - in some cases even preferable - to talk about video games at the trendiest of gallery openings. And…

Grand Theft Auto IV: The best, and worst game ever made?

I know I promised to shut up about it, but that is because I lied to you. I lied to you so hard.

When I wrote this about Grand Theft Auto, it was more of an impression than a review; the game had only been out for a few days at that point. I’ve had much, much more time put in on it. I’ve finally gotten beyond the novelty factor enough to honestly consider the game itself, and I have come to this conclusion:

It is shit.

It’s repetitive, poorly implemented, riddled with design flaws, awkward, and above all glitchy. I’ll stop now and give you all a moment to type the word ‘motherfucker’ a few dozen times in the comments section below, and then we’ll continue.

Grand Theft Auto IV is a horrible game, and yet I stand by every word of my previous gushing impressions. It is perhaps the single most impressive achievement in gaming, and one of the shoddiest mass-market releases I have ever seen. And at the risk of seeming like an even more monumental asshole, I think it’s the very aspects that make GTA IV so impressive that also completely ruin it.

That leaves a hell of a lot of explaining for me to do. First, everything I said about the city and it’s immersiveness is absolutely true. If anything, I have come to appreciate what Rockstar has accomplished here even more the longer I play. I notice even more of the little things, like how the fast food workers at the various restaurants actually have different duties. They don’t merely stand there, inanimate, existing only to serve the one function you require - food. They come out from behind the counter and clean the tables. They sweep the sidewalks out front and wash the windows. Or that the cars…

Grand Theft Auto IV - Halfway to a Conscience?

Every fucking blog post you’re going to read for the next week is about it: Grand Theft Auto IV.

But not this one!

This one’s about the economy, the pressure facing an increasingly global market, the importance of maintaining low food prices, and only very, very barely about murdering hookers with a flaming Corvette.

I’m just fucking with you; it’s entirely about murdering hookers with a flaming Corvette! If this post was any more about murdering hookers with a flaming Corvette it’d have passes to the GOP convention.

The Details:

It’s an odd feeling playing this game. The controls, physics, setting and atmosphere are all completely different. The cars drive much more realistically, swaying on their suspensions as you take hard turns. The city is no longer vaguely suggestive of a cartoon New York City, it’s a grimy, exhaust choked obituary for New York City. And the characters react authentically; no more pedestrians stepping gingerly over the massive pile of corpses at the intersection, never stopping to wonder why the heads of everybody that stands at this particular corner inexplicably explode as though by sniper fire (but that would be ridiculous, of course.)

For example, if you let go of the control stick and let Nico go idle right before a rainstorm, he will feel the first few faint rain drops. He’ll check his head, hold his palm out to see if it catches the drops, check the skies and swear under his breath. The citizens caught in the ensuing downpour will cover themselves with newspapers, briefcases, or just pull their jackets over their heads as they jog to sheltering alcoves.

Bizarre Morality:

It’s all a level of realism that was carefully non-existent in the other Grand Theft Autos, supposedly leaving you free to indulge your homicidal rampages without guilt, but it’s here now. And you will, at…