Smart money’s on ‘racist.’

Jermaine Jackson looks exactly like Chia Shrek. So much so, in fact, that I think they probably just re-marketed the old Jermaine Jackson Chia Pet when they realized that even ironic shoppers didn’t want a Jermaine Chia, as Tito is both the funnier name and more recognizable reference.

This probably makes me a racist then. Ah well, time to cut some holes in my sheets and pretend to be the ghost of hillbilly past.

A serious discussion of why ‘Chuck Norris Facts’ need to stop now.

The internet would have you believe Chuck Norris is the messiah of tough guys. Ironic hipsters love Chuck Norris because of the joke facts started on the internet, cutting edge ironic hipsters hate Chuck because some people like him and it is against their nature to enjoy things with others, while the hipster elite love Chuck again because they have seen that hating Chuck is cool now and so will not be cool tomorrow, thus making the loving of Chuck Norris right now totally retro…in the future. Listen, being a hipster is complicated, but that’s beside the point. I am here to present a different viewpoint: Chuck Norris is not only a dick now, but he always was and will always and ever be. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to say what you will about Chuck Norris. No, really, anything you want. There will be no reprisal.

Here, I’ll get us started:

Chuck Norris is not technically a homosexual, he is a monosexual. This means he is so arrogant that the only man he loves enough to fuck is, paradoxically, himself. This is evidenced plainly here by a rare photograph of Chuck attempting to pleasure himself orally but ending sadly, as it always does, with Chuck Norris on the verge of tears staring grimly at his own erection.

See? That may be a little uncalled for, I know, but that was to prove a point. The internet did not punch me in the face, the television did not mysteriously turn on in the next room playing Walker, Texas Ranger, and my own beard did not reach out and begin strangling me. Chuck Norris is just a douchebag, and pretty much always has been. Those jokes that made him beloved on the internet were ironic. They were mocking Chuck for thinking…

Where the storms are made of amateur porn and star trek jpegs…

Dear whoever is in charge of the internet (I assume your name is Hans Von Internet,) you are fucking slacking, sir. When I google:

“how to protect yourself against weapons” +”Danny Bonaduce” -”add inches to your penis”

I expect…nay, demand high resolution images of The Duce six feet in the air, upside down, and screaming in pain. I do not expect seventeen pages telling me to add FEET to my penis which, though I must admit it was pretty clever, begs the bizarre question: Why is the internet all about my penis? I just wanted to see somebody hurt Danny Bonaduce, not sit down for tea with my wang.

You know, if I was captain of the internet, I would probably sail the dangerous seas of relevance and dock in the many ports of reason. But your way of random insanity and petty fraud seems to be working out, so I guess that’s just me.

Also, if it were up to me every single page would have full color pictures of Christina Ricci making out with Rose McGowan. Even PBS Kids pages. G is for ‘girl on girl action,’ H is for ‘Hot girl on girl action,’ I is for ‘Insanely hot girl on girl action,’ you get the idea. I would also cut down on the use of poop and crying.

But hey, if wishes were fishes… we’d all be pooping on crying fishes, I guess. You sick fucks.