Smart money’s on ‘racist.’

Jermaine Jackson looks exactly like Chia Shrek. So much so, in fact, that I think they probably just re-marketed the old Jermaine Jackson Chia Pet when they realized that even ironic shoppers didn’t want a Jermaine Chia, as Tito is both the funnier name and more recognizable reference.

This probably makes me a racist then. Ah well, time to cut some holes in my sheets and pretend to be the ghost of hillbilly past.

A serious discussion of why ‘Chuck Norris Facts’ need to stop now.

The internet would have you believe Chuck Norris is the messiah of tough guys. Ironic hipsters love Chuck Norris because of the joke facts started on the internet, cutting edge ironic hipsters hate Chuck because some people like him and it is against their nature to enjoy things with others, while the hipster elite love Chuck again because they have seen that hating Chuck is cool now and so will not be cool tomorrow, thus making the loving of Chuck Norris right now totally retro…in the future. Listen, being a hipster is complicated, but that’s beside the point. I am here to present a different viewpoint: Chuck Norris is not only a dick now, but he always was and will always and ever be. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to say what you will about Chuck Norris. No, really, anything you want. There will be no reprisal.

Here, I’ll get us started:

Chuck Norris is not technically a homosexual, he is a monosexual. This means he is so arrogant that the only man he loves enough to fuck is, paradoxically, himself. This is evidenced plainly here by a rare photograph of Chuck attempting to pleasure himself orally but ending sadly, as it always does, with Chuck Norris on the verge of tears staring grimly at his own erection.

See? That may be a little uncalled for, I know, but that was to prove a point. The internet did not punch me in the face, the television did not mysteriously turn on in the next room playing Walker, Texas Ranger, and my own beard did not reach out and begin strangling me. Chuck Norris is just a douchebag, and pretty much always has been. Those jokes that made him beloved on the internet were ironic. They were mocking Chuck for thinking…

Prince: I do not have the keyboard functionality to make your symbol.

I would like to talk about sex. Or, as you may more commonly know him, Prince.

In case you are unfamiliar, Prince is a man who, in all likelihood, has had sex with your mother so many times he is to be now legally considered your common-law father. Here, here is a photograph for your reference, but ladies, please be careful. This may be the last thing you see before your vagina explodes:

It may seem odd that I respect Prince so greatly, but allow me to explain. You see, Prince has two very substantial things going against him as a sex symbol, in that he is:

A.) A small man.

-and-

B.) Kind of queer.

These two things are commonly known as the Deadly Duo of Emasculation, and there is no more effective pair of physical traits to fop up a dude than they. But Prince not only possesses these, he completely embodies them.

Short? Lords yes! Prince is five foot two, which is the gold standard of short for short men. Life for a man of 5′2 is fairly limited, and to be respected at all you better be at least one of four things: seriously funny, bat-shit insane, some kind of Asian, or able to mimic a charmingly stereotypical Irish brogue for hours on end.

Kind of Queer? Bitch please, Prince wears nothing but ruffled shirts, purple velvet suits and giant gold gender necklaces. He could strap a dildo to his head and insist you call him Dong “The Draggin” Wilson and most people wouldn’t twitch an eyelash.

As far as physical aspects go, Prince only has one thing on his side: Being a minority. Minorities are sexy, mysterious, and exotic, or as some people have told me ‘just from somewhere else, dude, Jesus stop being such a dick.’ Regardless, Prince is…wait….he is a minority right?…