13 Apr 2009

The Last Dragon: Soul Calculus

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Posted in: movies

I once had a theory that, seeing as how math is the universal language, it should be possible for all things and their parts to be broken down into mathematical expressions. If that’s the case, then all things must have a sum; a solution, a simplified manner of being expressed that is, in effect, their answer. These solutions are not necessarily numbers themselves. They could be literally anything because, as the theory stated before, everything can be reduced to numbers. As human beings, we are but finite matter in an infinite universe, and are therefore subject to all of its laws the same as anything else. So every individual human being must have an answer which effectively reduces them to their simplest expressable state, and that answer could take any form.

Listen: I was high. (Really? Who would’ve thought?)

But if one were to hold this theory as logically sound, well, that’s where The Last Dragon - wait, I’m sorry Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon (apparently there’s quite a few dragons that are last, and we wouldn’t want to get Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon confused with say, Thomas Jefferson’s The Last Dragon. They are completely different dragons,) comes into play.

Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon is not my answer. It is not the final solution to the question that is Robert. But god damn is it ever close.

I was actually afraid to watch this movie, for fear that the combination of Blaxploitation, Kung Fu, and 1980’s breakdancing would fundamentally solve me and I, as I know myself, would cease to exist.

Now, clearly it did not teach me the sum of myself, but I did learn a few things. First, I learned who the Shogun of Harlem was. Now, this is important, so listen: It’s Sho-Nuff.

If he asks you a question, the answer is Sho-Nuff. He may ask who is the baddest, he may ask who is the prettiest, or he may just ask what kind of fabric that cardigan is made of. Regardless, the answer is Sho-Nuff. If your answer is not Sho-Nuff, the next question he will put to you will be phrased in the form of a roundhouse kick to the face. Because learning is important.

Second, I learned that the appropriate reaction for any situation is to do the Robot.

Literally. Anything.

In this movie there are six scenes dedicated exclusively to the Robot. There is a fight scene where the Robot is used to kick an attacker in the face with flair and panache, a relationship scene, where it is used to woo the standoffish heart of a young woman, and an escape scene where the Robot enables a child to slip out of his impregnable rope ties. Clearly this is good information to keep handy.

The next time you’re unclear on which fork one uses for the salad course, and which for the entree? Do the Robot.

Next time you suffer from premature ejaculation? Rooooo-bot.

A good recipe for Pecan Pie: Chop Pecans finely, mix thoroughly with 1/4 cup sugar, 3 tablespoons butter, and 1 egg. Do The Robot for 3 to 3 1/2 hours or as needed, serve, and enjoy!

The next time you find yourself rambling on the internet about mathematical Buddhism’s ties to Berry Gordy and need an exit line?

[?]


Tags: • •

29

  • *sneeze*

    Anon 13.Apr.2009 8:04 pm

  • I did the robot for a while, but finally I gave up and typed this.

    tojo2000 13.Apr.2009 8:25 pm

  • You might doubt the validity of what I’m about to say, but I swear on my life it’s true.

    I once saw a robot Sho-Nuff. My head has been exploded ever since.

    The Luke-meister 13.Apr.2009 8:48 pm

  • haha this is awesome, I first heard about you on Cracked but I love this website even more! ROBOT!

    Max 14.Apr.2009 3:30 am

  • Maybe I can use the universal language to deduce how exactly you went from talking about math to talking about The Last Dragon.

    …eh, I’ll just get the answers from someone else.

    Matt Willard 14.Apr.2009 4:32 am

  • i got fired from my job today.
    after they’d delivered the news, i stood there- shocked, trying to find something to say.

    the way i robot-danced out of the building said everything i needed.

    Robert, i owe you one man.

    smoky 14.Apr.2009 5:07 am

  • Tojo,

    I don’t know what to tell you man. You must be doing it wrong. Did you make sure to move stiffly, like a robot would?

    Luke,

    Pics or it didn’t happen. Also nudes.

    Max,

    ROBOT.

    Matt,

    “Listen: I was high.” What do you not understand?

    Smoky,

    You are welcome. I also accept thanks in the form of doing the robot. Wait…my god, I just noticed that I did that! That’s another thing the robot works for!

    Robert 14.Apr.2009 6:26 am

  • Oddly enough, most modern robots are actually incapable of doing “The Robot.” It’s a sad state of affairs, it is.

    MDAK 14.Apr.2009 6:56 am

  • from now on, whenever i thank someone for something, im gonna thank them in Robot.
    Robert, i shall commence Robot-ing my thanks to you post-haste.

    p.s. using the phrase “post-haste” in a context that actually makes sense is seriously rewarding.
    im gonna go reward myself with some furious robot-ing.

    smoky 14.Apr.2009 7:26 am

  • you have re-ignited the flame in my heart for the movie “The Last Dragon.”
    By the way, at the bar I work at we have a “do the robot” policy in place. If any follow employee, even if you outrank them, walks up to you and demands you to do the robot, you have to oblige under penalty of unemployment. This policy was set by two of our owners and I swear to you that a shot girl was fired 3 months ago for refusing a quick “pop and lock.” I am very familiar with robot dance culture.

    inkngrease 14.Apr.2009 8:10 am

  • I, for one, welcome our new Robot-Dance overlords.

    9toes 14.Apr.2009 11:01 am

  • Sho-Nuff lives next door to me. He’s retired now. Robert is right, his answer to everything is ‘Sho Nuff’. Which is fucking awesome for me.

    “Hey Sho-Nuff, it’s raining. Would you mind walking my dog?”

    “Sho-Nuff.”

    “Hey Sho-Nuff, can I borrow your 60-inch plasma screen for the next three months?”

    “Sho-Nuff.”

    “Hey Sho-Nuff, how about you pop up to the corner and get me a box of Sugar Smacks. Seems I’ve run out.”

    “Sho Nuff.”

    Sure, I don’t get mail anymore since Sho-Nuff went berserk that one time and put the mailman in the ICU.

    But still…life is pretty sweet with the beddest, prettiest, blackiest shogun around living right next door.

    Muledriver 14.Apr.2009 3:17 pm

  • Oh, on a serious note: DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, do The Robot for more than 3 1/2 hours while standing over a bowl of Pecan Pie mix.

    It summons forth Cthulu. And the fact is that enjoying a delicious slice of pie and having your living soul torn asunder for eternity by The Whisperer in The Darkness are two ENTIRELY different things.

    So don’t try it.

    I’m looking at you, Fort. When you show up, that is.

    Muledriver 14.Apr.2009 3:23 pm

  • I just read the Twitter thing about GameSpy.

    Really, Robert?

    Jesus, dude. You already own the internet. You don’t have to write for the whole damn thing, too.

    I can only assume this new gig means the next trend in gaming has to do with robots and / or dick jokes. Or robots telling dick jokes. Or jokes about robot dicks. Big-dicked robots riding dragons?

    Either way, congrats.

    Muledriver 14.Apr.2009 4:56 pm

  • I’m interested in this. What do you guys think is the answer to Brett?

    I think it’s The Last Starfighter.

    Brett 14.Apr.2009 5:35 pm

  • The answer to Brett is either Krull or Short Circuit.

    I’m waiting on a ruling from the judges.

    You know the ones.

    Muledriver 14.Apr.2009 6:28 pm

  • I dedicate todays Robot Dance derivative (the robot with much, much more hip gyrating) to Robert as do I dedicate all legal and moral repercussions.

    I was innocently viewing the internet on day and bam! Hip gyration in combination with the robot (Robot Gyration? The Gyrating Robot, The Gyrobot?).

    I am changed. Or not. But the world certainly is

    http://themixtapemonster.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/big-green.jpg

    I don’t know what you (anyone) did to warrant such an attack, but I just felt like sharing this (my soul is gone).

    Sir Fortesque 15.Apr.2009 3:57 am

  • MY EYES!!!!

    smoky 15.Apr.2009 6:27 am

  • It might also do for a film summation of someones existence.

    Anyone want to claim this gem for their own?
    The poster pretty much sums up what watching the movie is like.

    Sir Fortesque 15.Apr.2009 11:25 am

  • MDAK,

    And the robots can’t even cry about it. No wonder they’re going to go berserk and kill us all…

    inkngrease,

    You must tell me more about this bar. Is it run by robots, for robots, or just pro-robot propaghanda?

    Mule,

    Listen, somebody’s got to write the internet. It’s either me or somebody that uses numbers instead of words…like Prince.

    Brett, Forts, Mule,

    I think Brett’s answer could very well be The Last Starfighter, but Krull is quite clearly Forts. It’s eastern european, it’s crazy as hell, and it leaves you with a funny feeling in your stomach that is equal parts fear and arousal.

    Forts,

    WHAT THE GOAT?!

    Robert 15.Apr.2009 12:23 pm

  • I have two more suggestions.

    Back to the Future and Mad Max.

    Brett 15.Apr.2009 2:10 pm

  • I say the answer to Muledriver is Breakin’ II: Electric Boogaloo but the chick I have tied up in my basement insists that it’s a toss-up between Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street

    Heh. Silly victim.

    Muledriver 15.Apr.2009 3:45 pm

  • “A good recipe for Pecan Pie: Chop Pecans finely, mix thoroughly with 1/4 cup sugar, 3 tablespoons butter, and 1 egg. Do The Robot for 3 to 3 1/2 hours or as needed, serve, and enjoy!” Not so amussing… But
    “Next time you suffer from premature ejaculation? Rooooo-bot.” FUCKING A MAN

    IFIGHTROBOTSTOOWHATACOINCIDENCE 16.Apr.2009 1:35 pm

  • Your sould calculus also contains, as a derivative function, a large (or short) sum of Ernie Reyes, Jr. I don’t know how to work a dick joke in to that one, but maybe my trusty bootleg Beta-Max set of Sidekicks can help… Yes, recorded version of Gil Gerard? What? Saying ‘work it in’ and ‘dick joke’ in the same sentence is inherently a dick joke? …No wonder I didn’t get that daycare job. I shall commence to pop and lock my tears away. RERUN!!!

    HillbillyTrailerFire 16.Apr.2009 3:23 pm

  • …and learn not to spell ’soul’ using a ‘d’ at the end - I have enough d’s in my manzier as it is…

    HillbillyTrailerFire 16.Apr.2009 3:25 pm

  • IFIGHTROBOTSTOO,

    I…I don’t even get what you were trying to do. Punctuation was invented for a reason, man! Is the robot in question fucking a man? Are you saying “Fucking A, man!” Are you implying the premature ejaculation was from man on man fucking? Your half-hearted gay joke is lost forever in the purgatory of questionable grammar.

    Hillbilly,

    I think you just had an ’80s-gasm.

    Robert 17.Apr.2009 7:09 pm

  • Robert, I’m not sure The Last Dragon can be you.
    There are no dogs.

    uncle peg 17.Apr.2009 11:29 pm

  • [...] in one of the greatest fight scenes to ever be filmed. 49. Sho’nuff (Julius Carry) from The Last Dragon - The baddest man in Harlem, Sho’nuff even has glowing kung-fu hands. Nobody from Breakin’ 2: [...]

    The 100 Greatest Movie Villains 20.Apr.2009 1:46 pm

  • [...] in one of the greatest fight scenes to ever be filmed. 49. Sho’nuff (Julius Carry) from The Last Dragon - The baddest man in Harlem, Sho’nuff even has glowing kung-fu hands. Nobody from Breakin’ 2: [...]

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