More! Astonishing Tales of Hackery!

EDIT: Another post at Atom! About celebrities and comic books?! My god, it’s like a new one of these things come out every fucking week! You can find it here, you can digg it here, and you can remember it fondly…everywhere! Because you keep it in your heart!

Yes, I’m doing this to you again. This should be the last cop out for a while, though: The posts will resume as usual next week, and I should have another announcement then as well. In the meantime, you can also read a new post over at Atom - this time it’s an intense and serious expose regarding the very future of all mankind. There’s also a lot of sperm in it. Bonus!

The sun rose on another miserable, rainy day inside Deek’s apartment. The Weather-generators, set to Dramatic Downpour, sent sheet after sheet of torrential waves tearing across his bedroom. Deek lay silently, placidly accepting the lashes of water like a much-deserved flagellation. The drainage pumps thwacked and grinded into action, setting up a harmony of dissonance to the dull, omnipresent roar of the rain. Deek cried silently, his tears lost in the downpour, only adding ever so slightly to the rising water level in the room. Eventually, after hours of weak sobbing amidst the relentless storm, sensors determined the water level to be too high and the Suicide Alarm chimed sadly from the Monitor across the room.“Sorry big guy,” the speaker intoned, in a carefully crafted simulacrum of sympathy “the water level’s just too high. Anything over an inch and it becomes theoretically possible to drown yourself. I have to shut off the water and drain the room now. Remember… you are loved!”

The static scream of the rain stopped abruptly, leaving only the gentle smack and groan of the pumps – now kicking into overdrive. The…

Real Life Star Trek: New Technologies That Put Captain Kirk to (More) Shame

Dearest nerds, if you had any doubt that the future is now, here’s something to help the message hit home: Star Trek is now a reality. Well, most of it anyway – there’s still no aliens or working teleporters, and the half-hearted drop-kick hasn’t yet replaced the handshake as an acceptable greeting between men – but most of this other stuff is at least on its way to being viable technology, and that’s a start:

The Tricorder

Scientists at the University of Leeds have recently completed work on a new biosensor capable of testing for, and diagnosing most common diseases within a matter of minutes (no word yet on whether or not it makes cheesy ray gun noises as it does so.) The sensor functions along much the same lines as the fictional Tricorder, with one minor exception: Instead of just scanning somebody from across the room, it has to analyze at least a small amount of bodily fluid. Blood, urine, saliva – hell, semen if you got it – the fluid required depends on the nature of the test. I guess that’s a pretty big difference, unless I missed the episode where Kirk contracted a mysterious fever and had to piss all over Bones to complete the diagnosis, most likely prompting him to scream “Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a German!”

Replicators

The Alaris 30 is a device that creates three-dimensional structures from virtual blueprints. This is not exactly revolutionary in and of itself (3-D printers have been around for a while now,) but this one has a few important features that are entirely unique: First, this device is capable of printing out small working parts and can therefore print out actual, functional machines, where previous printers were limited to just static models. Second, and perhaps most importantly, this one is actually…

Like a Policeman Finally Admitting His Latent Homosexuality: This is a Cop Out.

EDIT: New post over at Atom pertaining to John McCain and his status as a giant transforming cartoon robot. You know the drill: If you like it, please Digg it, Stumble it, Reddi - ah, what the hell. Just do stuff to it. Whatever stuff you want. Weird stuff, even. Just let me watch. I like to watch.

All right, just so you know where we stand: This is a cop-out post. I missed the update this week, and now I’m just too swamped to get back to it. However, in the next week or two I have yet another awesome announcement that will hopefully make up for it somewhat. Perhaps you should be somewhat happy that unlike other bloggers, my missed updates are not due to feelin’ blue, writer’s block, wondering why girls don’t like me, my cat being angry with me, or some other trivial bullshit - no, they are due to the fact that I am generating bigger and better content for other projects that will still (eventually) come to you. My hands, they are full, so full of badass these days. How can one man be expected to hold it all?

So, anyway, this week I’m going to post…a short story I wrote! Hahaha! It’s like I’m daring you to stop reading this! Honestly, why are you still here? What are you, some sort of fag? Go ahead! Go ahead and stop reading, pussy. What are you, too scared you’ll miss something? You disgust me.