Future Attribute Screening Technologies: Because We Don’t Need a Warrant to Strip-Search Your Brain.

Minority Report was supposed to be a movie about a dystopian future, one where Big Brother went too far and started convicting criminals before they’d even committed the crime. Well, apparently somebody at the Department of Homeland Security didn’t really get the gist of it, and decided that “pre-crime” was the next Hoverboard Killer: A fictional invention that so captures the public’s imagination that great amounts of real-life resources are invested in creating it.

The difference being that in this case, they’ve actually succeeded in making pre-crime a reality. So you can now be arrested for something you haven’t done yet, but you still can’t skateboard on air. The future truly is a dickhead.

Watch out! THAT GHOST HAS A BOMB.

The device in question is called FAST, short for Future Attribute Screening Technologies, and functions by monitoring heart rate, skin temperature, breathing patterns, posture, facial expressions and body language against a database of “suspect behaviors” to weed out people with “hostile intent.” But don’t worry, the DHS insists that they won’t keep any of the data collected – they’re just going to use it to pull you out of a crowd for questioning if you’re targeted. Some stubborn experts still insist that “that’s what I was actually worried about,” and further elaborate that this is “a really fucking bad idea.”

Joe Davis: Science Pirate

We have another nominee for The Indiana Jones of the Hard Sciences, and I think he’s going to take the title from Pritchard and his hookworm windbreaker. This is Joe Davis, and his list of accomplishments reads like Slash Fiction about Paul Bunyon and Chuck Norris gangbanging Bill Nye the Science Guy:

Note the new trend: Mad Scientist Aviators.

Davis has a map of our galaxy broken down into a series of base DNA pairs, and is coding it into transgenic lab-mice. To put it more succinctly: Joe Davis is genetically engineering the Milky Way into a mouse’s ear.

To measure the stress levels of certain strains of Bacteria, Davis blasts amplified music at them for extended periods of time. To put it more succinctly: Joe Davis makes E. Coli listen to jazz, just to see if it gets pissed off about it.

The Amazing Adventures of Blockhead and Watty

So, the last week has seen some of the best comments I have ever had in my long history on the internet - from Misplaced Goblin Poon to the Online Amish Butter Mafia - but I think we have it beat now. These guys showed up on that Grand Theft Auto piece that later ran on Cracked… just a little late to the party and apparently, really pissed off about it. That post has seen only one random comment in the two months since its traffic waned, and now two blokes with identical opinions and a chummy disposition toward one another comment on it within a half hour of each other. Either they’re the same dude, or a dynamic comedy team. The comments and response follow:

Watty on 09.09.08 at 2:16 pm

You haven’t a fucking clue. Its the best game ever made. Gameplay graphics etc. What the fuck are you expecting dickhead. What fucking game would you give 10/10, probably some shite nobody but you wants to play. Go back to wanking because your fucking shit at writing reviews. Maybe the next GTA you may be able to fucking go into every building in the city with a proper family in each one. Then you could go shopping for anything you wanted then go on holiday to anywhere in the world and pay half board. Then when you get back from your hold you could even have a crap and even see the shite on the toilet paper when you have wiped your arse. Even then it wouldn’t be good enough. Now fuck off and stop writing reviews loser.

Blockhead on 09.09.08 at 2:46 pm

Well said Watty. Totally agree! This idiot is thick as pig shit

Robert on 09.09.08 at 3:42 pm

That was…that was totally adorable.

I’m sorry, I really tried to take…