Hookworm Jones: A Hero for Scientists
Indiana Jones took an otherwise boring, stodgy field and through the magic of exaggeration, hyperbole, and outright lies made it look exciting. Science may have a lot of fictional badasses, but none as believable and down-to-earth as Jones. The reason being that Indiana Jones was actually based on a real person, which adds that tiny edge of realism that makes us buy him. Well, this is David Pritchard, and I would like to formally nominate him for science action-hero status.
I know he doesn’t look like much, but he shows the kind of balls science hasn’t seen since the old-timey days when “experimenting” just meant blowing some shit up with some other shit and then maybe figuring out why afterwards. Also, “figuring out why” was just old-timey scientist slang for “more explosions.” Back in the day nobody really signed up for clinical trials, so if you wanted to test your risky new vaccine…well, there was only one patient who would always say yes: Yourself. That’s exactly what Pritchard did. He infected himself.
Pritchard had a theory that dangerous parasites might help alleviate allergies. He thought this for two reasons: First, because he noticed that tribesman in Papua New Guinea did not present symptoms when exposed to environmental allergens. And second, because they were crawling with parasites. It takes a truly great mind to make that tenuous connection. I, for example, might extrapolate that data entirely differently. I might think that the absence of allergy symptoms means that the tribesman just weren’t allergic to anything in the air that day. And maybe the tribesmen without allergies have the highest hookworm infestations because they’re inexplicably gay for parasites.
That’s just my highly educated scientific hypothesis, of course.
Regardless, Pritchard decided he needed a more controlled environment to test this theory in full, and that’s where the self…
Read MoreCyborg Flasher Shoots Penis at General Public
In another beautiful example of technology being wrongly (oh, so wrongly) applied, a Spanish performance artist has found a way to literally molest scientific progress. There’s no fancy way to put this, so let’s just go: He’s jury rigged a system of portable powered projectors and attached them to his dick. He wanders the streets of Madrid, projecting gargantuan cocks onto the sides of government buildings, cathedrals, and probably sweeping over large crowds while making Godzilla sound effects.
“Oh no! It is a giant Spanish penis! AYAAAA! Who can stop Cockra, destroyer of worlds?!”
There are many things that need no technological advancement, and flashing is definitely one of them. The current method of flashing works perfectly, and it’s really quite simple:
A.) Find some pedestrians
B.) Show them your dick
C.) Enjoy!
Your ultimate end-game - wiggling cock at passer-by - is now accomplished. It is an elegant, uncluttered solution to that age-old problem of some people not seeing your wang. The real issue at hand is along the same lines as Morgui, The Stalker Robot’s problem. For some reason, sexual deviants are leapfrogging the average man technologically. Why do they have robots and cock-projectors, while at best we have mace and a flashlight?
Mace does nothing to Morgui, my friends. He has no eyes. No pain receptors. No mercy.
Certainly you could Mace the cock-projecting fellow, but you know what that will ultimately accomplish? He will scream, recoil, and flail about in pain. Or perhaps more importantly, he will scream, recoil and flail his cock about in pain. The very same cock that is being projected at 1000X magnification across the landscape, his painful gyrations now causing the flickering image to holographically mushroom stamp literally every living creature in sight. It is probably better, all told, to simply leave him alone and just try your best to stay…
Read MoreScience at the Improv
Here are several things that I thought were pretty interesting, but not really “paragraph” interesting. As such, I have adopted a Night at the Improv Zinger approach. I would say I hope you enjoy it, but honestly, I kind of hope you hate it so much that you punch your desk in impotent frustration.
It would just show good taste on your part.
“Machine Gun That Fits in Your Pocket”
Is that a machine gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see m-HOLY FUCK THAT IS A MACHINE GUN IT IS ACTUALLY A MACHINE GUN NOW IS FOR RUNNING.
“A turtle shaped airship is perhaps the last thing you might expect to see floating through the sky, but this eco-friendly craft might just be key to the next generation of humanitarian relief.”
To summarize: Environmentalists forgot what turtles look like.
“Changing weather patterns could contribute to political instability around the world, the collapse of governments and the creation of terrorist safe havens.”
“Man, it is a scorcher today. I’m gonna pick up the kids and head down to the pool, you wanna come?”
“Nah, I’m just gonna kill some colored folk. Thanks, though.”
And then both have ice cream.
“The Amish are famous for shunning technology. But their secret love affair with the cell phone is causing an uproar.”
LOL U R CHURNING ME ON!
Fuck you, above sentence.
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