Lend a Helping…Gun?

I’m assuming you’ve seen this by now.

If you haven’t, this is a stem-cell skin gun. It’s being developed by the united states Military, along with a quarter billion dollars’ worth of other medical research, which include projects like an organ and tissue printer and healing “pixie dust.” I guess fixing up shrapnel wounds with the power of imagination didn’t quite pan out for them. Anyway, the Skin-gun shoots immature skin cells onto fresh wounds, which in turn dramatically increases the healing process. And it’s about god damn time: For years, healing guns with nigh-on magical powers have been a key part of a wonderful dream. That dream? Shooting people in the face…in order to help them.

War has always been cooler than peace; guns beat medicine, breaking wins over fixing, and burning is always a better time than planting flowers. Philosophers will tell you that this is because it is easier to destroy than to create. And it is human nature to take the path of least resistance.

I call bullshit.

Destruction is a more tempting option because the results are more immediate, more visible, and more profound. You fire a rocket; a building goes away. You light a match; no more forest. You throw a punch; suddenly that snide kid at Blockbuster stops knowing more about Lord of the Rings than you. Violence is a viable solution to many, many problems. Perhaps not the best solution for others like, say, the victims of your violence, but it is quite often the best solution for you.

But that’s all over now because finally, with the skin gun, charity has become just as sexy as war. Now when a kid comes in bitching about half his face being burned off, you don’t have to spend forty hours in surgery to shut him up - you just…

Wolverine: The Frog?

Nature is a nerd.

From Marine Biology to Astronomy, the natural world has always been somewhat of a spaz. As if to further illustrate this point, science has recently discovered that mother nature is totally into comic books, too. This is Trichobatrachus robustus.

T. Robustus is a Cameroonian (?) Tree Frog that has evolved a unique defense mechanism: It has decided that the best way to deter potential predators is to become Wolverine, from The X-Men.

Nobody fucks with Wolverine, so this was actually a pretty good move by evolution.

The legs of the frog contain an odd structuring of bones: Straight shafts attached by collagen to a curved, barbed point. These bones are located just under the skin of the frog’s hind leg and, when threatened, expand outwards through the feet - much like a cat’s claws. The chief difference here is that there is no conventional claw mechanism present. The frog extends the claws by contracting its muscles so hard that the barbed point snaps off from the shaft and is shoved outward through its skin. Biologists describe this unique mechanism as “unheard of in the natural world,” as well as “holy shit hard fucking core.”

Since there is no specific set of muscles to expand and retract the claws, scientists are at a loss to explain where the claw goes when the frog is no longer threatened. One expert states that because the frog is an amphibian, “it would not be surprising if some parts of the wound heal and the tissue is regenerated.” Still not convinced this is Wolverine? In mating season, the frogs also grow two long, tapered tufts of a hair-like substance from either side of their body.

Efforts are underway to establish a fondness for cigars in the frogs, or at least, they are now.

Because I’m going to get…

English Scientists: All Set to Penetrate the Moon…Hard.

Listen, I’ll just get right to the point:

British scientists are building missiles to fire at the moon.

They’ve named the missile “The Penetrator,” because it penetrates, most likely. Missiles are already inherently phallic, and naming your super-missile after a giant dildo makes some pretty clear implications. It implies that this is little more than a giant metal extension of your cock, and that you are going to spend millions of dollars to send a craft into outer space so that you might fuck the moon with it.

I would just like to formally apologize to England at this point. I too have been guilty of taking the lazy path to mocking the English. There are many jokes that are easy to make, and when you don’t feel like really delving into a subject and doing your research just to make somebody feel bad about themselves, you tend to fall back on the old standards: The French surrender. The Germans shit on each other. The English are pussies.

Obviously, there is little truth to these accusations. They’re simple, familiar stereotypes to keep in your deck until you find yourself outsmarted by an English guy and need to fumble out some clumsy retort. I’ve met two French guys, and neither of them surrendered anything to me. I’ve met a few English dudes, and they didn’t fop about the room, wriggling their wrists in the air and screeching for tea and biscuits. I’ve met a few Germans in my time…and they absolutely did shit all over each other and film it. Some stereotypes are there for a reason, friends.

What I’m really getting at here, Great Britain, is that you don’t actually have anything to prove to the world. We get it. You’re men. You gave us James Bond and soccer hooligans; Bear Grylls and blood sausage.…