Sex Robot - Finally Nerding Up Foreplay

Meet Lisa, an experimental robot designed by a trio of multimedia artists.

In looking at that picture, was your first response “I really want to fuck that?” Congratulations, you are on the cutting edge of advanced robotics! That is precisely the kind of response the creators were hoping for, and though I personally don’t find a corpse-like mannequin with what appear to be lasers for eyes a huge turn-on, apparently there’s just a huge hankering to stick some dick into raw circuitry out there. Lisa, fully named The Moaning Lisa (nothing like puns to make we want to bone a corpse!) is mostly innovative for her interface. The designers created a responsive code that plays MP3s of sexually aroused females in response to the user’s attentions. Supposedly, this can be used to teach reluctant, timid virgin nerds about the importance and correct methods of sexual foreplay.

Yes, somebody has managed to nerd up foreplay.

A lot.

Although the current Moaning Lisa comes pre-loaded with MP3s of women in various states of arousal, the inventors want to stress the versatility of their custom interface. Any set of MP3s can be linked to any touch-sensitive areas. Some cited potential uses of this technology are heightened sensitivity touch displays for computers, vehicles and cell phones. But if we are to be truly honest with one another, everybody knows you’re just going to program your specific kinks into the fuck-doll. I’m going to get ready right now and rip some MP3s from CNN’s website. Personally, I can’t wait for my fake woman that will play clips of Larry King in response to being finger-banged.

Don’t you fucking judge me.

Robots are even better at being dickheads than we are.

I’m writing an article about the biggest dick moves in robotics for Cracked right now, and there are a few examples that I won’t be including in the final version…but god damn it, the people need to be warned! Not because they’re in any imminent danger or anything, but nobody wants to be dicked over by a robot. Being an asshole just needs no technological enhancement. So, here’s the first cut example of automaton dickotry, I have a few more and will update with them later in the week:

Rescue Robot

Korean skateboarding, in true Asian fashion, is much like regular skateboarding - only smaller, and more efficient

This is the Hanuri-RT, built by a Korean robotics company named AVING, Inc. AVING insists that only noble intentions are at heart here; they want to send a robot in place of emergency services workers to pull the injured and disabled to safety. The Hanuri will roll over difficult terrain, up stairs, and through flaming rubble to get to you. Unfortunately for the incapacitated or currently burning, once the Hanuri does get to you, it will just look at you apathetically with it’s non-face for one long, awkward moment while you die. You see, the Hanuri can only rescue you if you are well enough to stand, walk, balance, and hold your entire body-weight by your hands anyway. If you are in need of rescue, you have to stand up, balance yourself on top of it, then squat down and hold yourself upright in this position back over all that rough terrain, down those stairways and through all that flaming rubble. Essentially, it is little more than a fireproof all-terrain Rascal Scooter.

Sorry you have to die in a fire, but here’s a jaunty tip of the cap for your sacrifice!

It’s really only equipped to help…

You thought 300 was badass?

Art History sucks.

I’m not just talking about the classes devoted to its study, or the books regarding its impact, I’m talking about the whole history of art: It sucks.

Do you know why? Because of this:

Do you see what that is? That is an ancient Roman statue of a naked man punching a horse in the face. This statue single-handedly ruins ancient art for everybody. To put it more succinctly: It kicks the ass of history.

Tell me of the pure, innocent beauty of Michaelangelo’s David; then look at the horse-puncher and realize that David is just Kirk Cameron with his cock out.

Tell me of the enigmatic smile of the Mona Lisa; then look at that bare-knuckle battle of man and horse, and realize that if Da Vinci had any real skills, the Mona Lisa would’ve had her tits out.

Tell me of the noble stature of the Sphinx; then look at that furious bastard up there, and realize that if the Egyptians knew their shit, the Sphinx would’ve had the body of a man, the head of a lion, a giant machine-gun and a rage orgasm.

Legend has it that this statue was the inspiration for Bruce Willis. Regional folklore states that if you turn your back on the statue, you’ll die in a Trans Am accident within the year. Locals say that if you climb the statue at sunset, you’ll grow an extra dick. Science has actually proven that this statue is the true source of earth’s gravitational field, and the planet actually revolves around its giant, unstoppable balls.

Art is subjective, I know, and we’ll all have different opinions about what constitutes meaningful artwork. And if you disagree with me, that’s fine, I’ll just buy you a horse and then punch it in the face until it is…