A Life-Changing Seminar on Empowerment, Leadership and Boobs
New column up at Cracked wherein I attend a pentecostal church, because I feel like my place in this world may be more than just cracking jokes and mindless hedonism. It’s like…there’s got to be something more, you know? I feel a hollowness inside of me, and there could be grace there. I’m not exactly a changed man yet, but I think I’m getting there, and with His help I know I can make it. Wait…no, scratch that. Sorry, in this one I light somebody on fire and there’s a bunch of tits. My bad. Digg it here, praise be!
Read MoreThe Very First Article I Ever Wrote (Kind of Sucks)
EDIT: The Zombie post is locked for a few weeks, but it will be back with all original comments intact before too long. I did this because it is now going up on Cracked! I’m going to rework it a little bit, and fix everybody’s typos (if you even had any,) but it should be up relatively intact and up within the week. If I used your plan in the article, please message me or comment here with any twitter account, blog, or webpage you would like your byline to link to. May as well get a few hits out of it. Thanks again for such awesome responses, everybody!
Read MoreScience at the Improv
Here are several things that I thought were pretty interesting, but not really “paragraph” interesting. As such, I have adopted a Night at the Improv Zinger approach. I would say I hope you enjoy it, but honestly, I kind of hope you hate it so much that you punch your desk in impotent frustration.
It would just show good taste on your part.
“Machine Gun That Fits in Your Pocket”
Is that a machine gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see m-HOLY FUCK THAT IS A MACHINE GUN IT IS ACTUALLY A MACHINE GUN NOW IS FOR RUNNING.
“A turtle shaped airship is perhaps the last thing you might expect to see floating through the sky, but this eco-friendly craft might just be key to the next generation of humanitarian relief.”
To summarize: Environmentalists forgot what turtles look like.
“Changing weather patterns could contribute to political instability around the world, the collapse of governments and the creation of terrorist safe havens.”
“Man, it is a scorcher today. I’m gonna pick up the kids and head down to the pool, you wanna come?”
“Nah, I’m just gonna kill some colored folk. Thanks, though.”
And then both have ice cream.
“The Amish are famous for shunning technology. But their secret love affair with the cell phone is causing an uproar.”
LOL U R CHURNING ME ON!
Fuck you, above sentence.
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